Homer Simpson
If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
You don't quit your job just because it's hard. you go in there everyday and do it really half assed. That's the American way.
If something is hard to do, it's not worth doing. You just stick the electric guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we'll go watch TV.
It's the code of the schoolyard Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Lets see. Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, oh and never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T...
Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
Bart Simpson
Dad, thanks to TV, I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
Grampa Abe Simpson
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways...
One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
I leave these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run out of the house with a big washtub and - hey! Where are you going?
... Anyway, about my washtub. I'd just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball"...
... Eh, why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There're sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president isn't Democrat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? There are too many leaves in your walkway...
My story begins in nineteen-dickity-two. We had to say "dickity" cause the Kaiser had stolen our word for "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickity-six miles.
Kent Brockman
Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself.
The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-'conquered,' if you will-by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain; there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves
Sideshow Bob
Well, you see Birch, I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Attempted murder? Now honestly what is that? Do they give out a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?
Groundskeeper Willie
Get yer haggis, right here! Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds. Good for what ails ya!
Chief Wiggum
All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it!
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.
Ralph Wiggum
Me fail English? That's unpossible!
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there!
...And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life!
Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever.
Professor Frink
Oh my great good God! Gentlemen, your attention please. I am detecting a gigiantic amphibious life-form, it's 80 meters long and it's heading this way. Oh good glayven it's on my shoe. It's a small frog, just get off, just get off there, just get out of it, get out of it. Stupid machine, oh wait a minute, this isn't the Monsterometer, it's the Frog-Exaggerator Mm-hai.
Oh Dear, I've been RE-DORKULATED!
Lenny
Late night swimming and alcohol: it's a winning combination!
Milhouse
Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know.
Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
Hans Moleman
A poem, by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me.
Today, part four of our series on the agonizing pain in which I live every day.
Comic Book Guy
Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city.
But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds... Oh, I've wasted my life.
Last night's 'Itchy and Scratchy Show' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Barney Gumble
Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left.
